Oh Bummer, He’s coming!

Hon. President Kikwete was quoted by someone saying, “Apart from bringing in a record amount of aid during my tenure, I’ve also brought in a record number of American presidents.”  Oh boy isn’t that so true? I guess now it’s official that nobody gotta swagga like us! Unfortunately, our Kenyan neighbors are a bit Harlem-shaken that Oh Bummer, he’s not going to Nairobi. I have found this funny, but what’s even funnier is how we have skipped the obvious and jumped into the complicated reasons why Oh Bummer is coming to Dar es Salaam. Translation: Harbor of Peace. Hah!

For one, birds of same feathers flock together, always, well almost. Remember when Hon. Kikwete ran for office back in 2005, one of his most celebrated attributes was how handsome he is (or was?). Then there were critics, the socially conscious heads that claimed celebrating his looks was shallow. I understood their point, after all Souljah Boy isn’t Lupe Fiasco, even better, Ney wa Mitego isn’t Nikki Mbishi. But it was quiet a bounce back from Hon. Mkapa, look-wise at least, unlike our neighbors… wamemtoa Mwai, just Kubaki na Uhuru. Also, it’s difficult to judge the wisdom of a person whose head has very little hair to none, in the society where grey hair is equated with wisdom.

But that’s not the whole point. The truth is beautiful people like to be around other beautiful people, so sorry Precious, although in this case it’s handsome people. Therefore, it makes sense for Oh Bummer to visit Kikwete. Furthermore, if we look at this through the lenses of American history, light skinned Negroes didn’t really mingle with dark skinned Negroes. This socially constructed problem is still very much alive today in the US of A. In Africa, this would pass as tribalism, right? On the same breath, I would hate to think this is one of the reasons, considering Uhuru Kenyatta is neither handsome nor light skinned.

Secondly, Oh Bummer is a black man, thanks to the genius minds behind the one-drop rule. Now if you have listened to Kanye’s “New Slave” you’ll arrive at the destination safely without getting lost in the point I’m trying to make. Kanye has a line where he raps, “… and there’s rich n***a racism, that’s that come here, please buy more, what you want a Bentley, fur coat and diamond chain? All you blacks want all the same things.” Where else would this black man go, Tanzania of course, a country rich of natural resources. Translation: a lot of bling bling and that black gold. When others call Jacob the Jeweler, Oh Bummer comes to the source like Frank Lucas. Now that’s ballin’, more than even Birdman who doesn’t fly with Air Force One wings.

But “New Slave” is somewhat inaccurate. If Kanye came to Africa today he’ll realize that, it’s not only the black people who want their diamond chains, but so are the Chinese. The scramble for Africa’s natural resources between China and America is just about to thicken the plot. Both countries are trying to secure their turf and Kenya is not one. Although we may laugh at Kenya now, but could the joke be on us? Would we soon have 99 problems to worry about when the two rival gangs start shooting at each other, because it’s always the innocent who get caught up in between. So for Kenya, maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

In the end, we can continue to speculate why Oh Bummer decided to visit Tanzania and not Kenya, considering what Uhuru Kenyatta is accused of doing in 2007 and Oh Bummer’s drone attacks in the Middle East. And this is what makes the BFFness between Hon. Kikwete and Hon. Oh Bummer a bit interesting, because our dear President will not even hurt a fly, but Oh Bummer’s drone attacks have hurt and killed many, the same way post-election violence in Kenya left many mourning their loved ones. Probably this is another reason why Oh Bummer chose to avoid Kenya, because the awkwardness between Kenyatta and him will be unbearable. With one’s tail being chased around by the ICC, while the other one continues to wiggle his freely, despite his crimes against humanity for his drone attacks. With that said, I cant see a lot of hugs and kisses coming out of that conversation between the two.

But maybe I have got this whole thing wrong. Oh Bummer’s drones are after terrorists, the same way Tanzania’s arm forces going into Congo are also going to fight terrorism, and this is probably where Obakwete comes from. I can understand if Kenyatta and Kagame feel a bit left out from this bromance. But whether this is real love, or simply a friendship with benefits, time will tell, because in the end someone usually gets screwed.

To conclude, the outcome of Oh Bummer’s visit may not be all too unclear, even though one thing is. He’s not coming to see Simba or Mufasa, and I doubt if the trip is about FLOTUS coming to have her hair braided by the Maasai. But at least I know this from the comfort of my personal thoughts, this will be quite a meeting, as the President of the free world, ahem, visits the President of the land where Mapapa swim freely in the ocean. And for the rest, I’m not so sure where you all fit into this bromance, and maybe you do, because if a camel can squeeze through a needle, why not you.