Uncle Bob

Robert Mugabe has won the election, yay – awkward, really people. Rumor has it, at the victory party, Drake’s song was on repeat. If this at all is true, then that must have been one funny party. Imagining old folks dancing to Drake is almost impossible, but the possibility that his song was used to fire subliminal messages makes more sense. The song is called “No New Friends”, and at this rate, my Zim people may as well get used to the tune, No New President, No New President, No No Noo. Nonetheless, the reality is slightly more complex than Drake rapping “fudge all y’all ninjas, except my ZANU PF ninjas”.

But what has gone wrong in Zimbabwe, and most importantly with Uncle Bob? Did someone spike his diet, with little chunks of pork, goat and even bird meat? There are possible scenarios that might shed light to some of his wannabe N.W.A gangsterism. Did I say wannabe? I take that back. Allegedly, Uncle Bob made Hit’Em Up sound like something Mary Poppins would sing, with his recent diss.

Before we get down and dirty, lets kick out the elephant in the room, with a yes I do believe the election was rigged and this is why. For Yeezus sake Uncle Bob is 89 years old, think about that for a minute. Thus, anybody who thinks he can still run and rise victorious in a free and fair erection is either naïve or playing stupid. And then adding salt to injuries, it didn’t help when he married a much younger lady. That’s a lot of pressure, like speeding Usain Bolt closing the gap behind you. Therefore, at 89 years of age cheating erection may just be his only option. Talk about black empowerment, ahem. But whether he rigged the erection with viagra or muti, rapgenius is yet to decipher whats hidden behind closed doors.

Then there is history of colonialism, colonial master(s) and its legacy. Britain the former colonial master and United States the neo-colonialist are also to blame for what has happened to Zimbabwe and Uncle Bob. In the case of Zimbabwe, their sanctions helped deteriorate the economy of Zimbabwe. And since most of these African countries are heavily dependent on Foreign Aid, they will suffer without it.

What the West has forgotten is this; African countries can still survive without their Foreign Aid. Nobody has to starve even if the West decides to cut off their supply of one dollar burgers. Thanks to the Chinese, Ramen Noodle Soups are both affordable and gets the job done. After all, who’s head over heels on nutrition and balanced diet in the time of need? Uncle Bob, to his credit, he has managed to keep Zimbabwe afloat on Ramen Noodle Soup. In other African countries like Tanzania where there is one dollar burger and Ramen Noodle Soup, the dynamics are a bit different. The effectiveness of this new diet of both burgers and Ramen Noodle Soup is yet to be confirmed, as we wait and see if we’re going to have to run and buy Pepto Bismol. Nevertheless, there have been some reports of eating disorders and obesity in some parts of the government.

But what is more upsetting is what the British and Americans have done to Uncle Bob. Thanks to them, over the years they helped to transform an honorable man into a pitbull. For example, if you lock up a dog all day and then let the dog out, wooh wooh wooh at night, the dog comes out fierce, unfriendly and ready to bite. That’s how a guard dog usually behaves. Therefore, when the very persons act surprise when the dog does exactly that, guard, its puzzling if not hypocritical. Unfortunately with pitbulls, they are very aggressive and unpredictable because they can harm the very same people that they are supposed to be protecting. There have been several cases of a pitbull injuring, or even killing the family child. The worst part of all of this, it’s the Zimbabwean people who have to deal with this man that the British and the Americans helped turn into a pitbull.

Overall, Mugabe’s leadership in Zimbabwe has received mix reviews from different African statesmen. While most of them seem to stand behind him, not all stand behind him on his stance on the Americans and the British. This real life action thriller movie made in Zimbabwe directed by Uncle Bob and produced by the West is quite a script. I’m tempted to suggest that Agatha Christie helped to pen the script because it is hard to tell who the villains are and who the heroes are. Furthermore, the ending is just as puzzling as its heroes and villains, with yet another twist, Uncle “Robin Hood” Bob winning his seventh term.

On that note, will Zimbabwe ever have a “New Friend” in the office, maybe soon, maybe not, bearing in mind to what happened to those who once tried to reach God by building the Tower of Babel.